One Pudding Cup

Wedding Thoughts
     Well, here I am, it's been awhile since I've posted anything on here since I switched over to MySpace, and now there's all of these other websites out there, Facebook, Twitter, Yammer... jeez. I have a Twitter account merely for the fact that all I can do there is post status updates... easy peasy.
     I did realize that only a few people I know are actually on here, Live Journal has started to go the way of the dinosaur, but what the heck, I still have an account and I've been working on things for my wedding lately, so why not post something to remember later?
     We have the place, we have the caterer and we're working on the cake... Mom and I have been working on getting things for decorations, that's going well, so I'm pleased. She's got huge ideas for stuff, which would be much easier to discuss if we were face-to-face rather than talking about it over the phone, and she tends to get these ideas when I'm busy so I hardly listen to what she's saying and have to go over it in my head later. Ah well. 'Tis life. She did find her own dress and I have my own - yay! Got pretty much everything on that side of things covered except to put together the 'bouquet' and finish the boutineres - I've got Mike's done already, that's a plus.
     So much left to do...but that's okay, I'm up for it, and we've got a few months left at least! I keep dreaming that it's almost the wedding and things are going crazy, but then again nothing has gone crazy and we're all plugging along at a pretty good pace.
     There you have it...jeez, I really have nothing to talk about!

Getting Settled
I blog too much sometimes...and othertimes not enough - I have too many blogs and then I don't do anything with them for months at a time... *shrugs*

So I'm pretty much settled into my new life, finally have things organized at my newest job and hoping that we get busy so I can hide in my frameshop and not have to worry about what people think of me or what they want me to do for them or have them thinking I'm not doing enough...because that certainly is what it feels like in comparison to my previous store - because at least then everyone adored me because I did what they asked me to and we kept busy and it was just a lovely time I had there...and sort of wished I'd stayed there even with the dangling candy of a full time job in front of me again. *sighs* Oh well - does any of that make sense? I'm not sure.

But overall, life is going good and I'm learning to enjoy the local stuff that's always happening around here (I refuse to partake in the Buckeye craze however!!) But the fireworks and the fair are really awesome - even though all of the local people make fun of us for taking days off to go see some of these things, we think it's pretty cool. There's so much to do around town that I'm hardly ever online and when I am I don't want to spend too much time here because there's so many other things I feel like I should be doing instead!!

So that's my life...things will probably settle in even further once it gets too cold to do anything outside and I'll want to just settle in front of the computer and veg. ^_~

Good, Bad, and the Ugly
The year started off really good. Mike had just gone back home, and even though I was missing him terribly after he was with me through Christmas, I knew I was going to be able to see him the first weekend of January (after the new year). So I was working and getting ready for Ohayocon and everything was going great.

Then I get to Ohayocon and things started to drift slightly to the bad. I mean, it wasn't BAD...like horrible - it was just, I was PMSing and crying at the drop of the hat and things at work before I had gone were kind of iffy because my bosses were trying to get rid of my only gal who was helping me in the frame shop... alright, I can handle that I guess - I was going to train someone new when I got home. Ohayocon was a way to forget all of that, but I was depressed because nothing was going as smoothly as it was supposed to. Meesh was having a great time but my art table didn't even make me back the admission to the convention, little lone the artist table! I was trying to be happy that I was there with Mike and all of my other friends but my mind kept creeping back into the bad.

Then I went down to West Virigina to meet Mike's parents and his family. And that was a really good trip. I mean it was like the 'good' was back again and with that I enjoyed myself thoroughly. However... I only got to spend a few days down there (the bad creeping in with my cell phone that refuses to work in WV even though Mike has Sprint like I do with no problems) - but the moment my cell service returned... I get this message, can you come in early on Thursday?

Sure, says I and I go. Only to find out they've invited some big kahuna in order to drill me about what's been going on in the frame shop! I'm like...um...I've been gone... and even when I was working, I never worked with the gal they were trying to get rid of. But the dude said 'oh, this doesn't have anything to do with you.' So I basically started to relax.

The next day...they wrote me up.

I kid you not, they wrote me up saying I was at fault for the whole thing and for the following week I've been watching this play between the gal they were going to fire but were trying to push into quitting instead (she won) and me thinking - what the heck?! Why am I the bad one here?! They 'invited' Brandy to come back once a week now in order to check up on me - so not only do I have no one good working under me because they hated the one gal I had...now I have my arch nemesis 'checking up' on me!! (hence 'the ugly')

When I got written up, I called Mike and told him when he was ready to move, I was ready to quit. And I still am. Mike's working hard at getting a good job that could support both of us if possible for an extended amount of time. Hopefully not forever, I'd hate for him to ever get tired of me not working - plus I think I'd be a hard person to be around if I DIDN'T work (even this weekend off has sucked not having something to do!) So I'm praying about it. A LOT. A whole heck of a lot. I mean... I'll get a job of course, but if it takes time, I wouldn't want to be a burden either.

Anyway... So things at work are just going by in a haze for me. I got my insurance card, and that's when everything went downhill... *sigh* I have some vacation time saved up so I might just take that before I quit... heh heh. But I'm waiting for Mike and then I might disappear down to West Virginia. I've already mentioned it to a few people and my Mom's like... Can't you move somewhere nearer? Well... if he can't find a job, then nope!

So that's what's been going on. I'm trying not to screw up at work in case it takes awhile, but part of me thinks that maybe everything is going to be working up to a head here very soon.

Halloween and Youmacon
You know what's brilliant about having Halloween and a convention back to back? The fact that I can dye my hair whatever color I want, say it's for Halloween - and then keep it for the convention (which was the true reason I wanted it) and no one's gonna think I look silly because they'll understand that maybe it didn't wash out right away. *chuckles* One of the gals I work with - who actually worked at my old store and has recently transferred, dyed hers darker yesterday for someone's party (whom I didn't get invited to - sniff sniff - I always seem to miss parties!!) and worried that perhaps her hair would go gray for a day or two...Huh, that would be cool - my hair just fades out slowly.

Anywho - I have waaaay too much to do in the meantime. Carve a pumpkin, dye the hair, see the kiddies trick-or-treating...figure out what I'm wearing to work for my costume... Go pick up Mike from the airport, work - all of that fun stuff, finish getting ready for Youmacon's artist alley table - and then the convention itself, hopefully figuring out what I'm wearing for those days too.... oi vey.

I hope I can manage all of it. ^_~ Guess I have no choice but to go along with it!

And Life as I Know it...
Life as I know it...might be different very shortly. I dunno. I decided to take one last trip to Cincinatti for the year and hang out with Meesh. Okay, that seems really normal all in all - well, for an 18 year old and someone who acts like she's 18. *grins* But when Meesh decided she'd figured out what we're going to be doing this weekend - then I realized that things might get very different. For one thing, she's determined to take me to get my ears pierced again. It's my fault. She mentioned it in a journal a few months ago and I said she ought to take me since I'm chicken. *chuckles* Got myself into that one. Now she's completely determined.

Since it's a small window of opportunity between her getting out of school and then going to work the next day, we're having a 'girls night out' and doing all the girly things we can think of. Haircuts, earrings, shopping...dinner. I guess I can act girly once in awhile even though I rarely feel that way. Even when Mike comments me on how pretty I am or some other sweet thing I tend to shoot him down since I don't feel it about myself. Guess I ought to stop since I really like it when he does... but I guess I can't get over thinking someone actually MEANS it when they say it to me.

Speaking of him, I'm headed up to Columbus after Cincinatti and going to go to dinner with Mike. After that? We haven't talked about whether we're going to stay with his friend Andrew or whether we're going to get a hotel or maybe I can drag him back home. *chuckles* He could sleep on the couch. I feel...I dunno, a bit numb about this weekend though. My own fault really, since I had to supress getting excited about the weekend since I didn't know for sure if it would happen at all until Tuesday when Jen got back from hurting her back. So now I'm free to go - wheeeeee! I'm trying to get excited...really, I am. Heh.

Current Mood: lethargic

Life Update
Went down to visit my boyfriend this weekend. We figured out that the midpoint between us is in Columbus, OH. He's got a friend living there, so we decided to meet there. However, I wasn't very pleased with having to go there - maybe it was because I wanted Mike all to myself and didn't want to share him with any friends. Every time we get together it's always with our friends so can't I ask for just one day alone with him? Maybe it's an equality thing in case someday in the future I'll be alone with him a bunch more. I dunno. At this case I guess I'll take what I can get.

Still a bit depressing when everything this weekend's been ticking me off. I've had a hard time not screaming at everyone. Not online, strangely enough when I'm sitting here I haven't gotten angry... but maybe that's because the computer hasn't acted up. Nonetheless, I was about *this* close to breaking up the meeting on Friday night because he just wasn't listening to where I wanted to meet him and what I suggested we might do. Especially since it was my idea to meet in the first place and then he took over the rest - would have been nice if he said, 'hey, you have Sat. off right, let's do something.' But...didn't happen and I wound up having an okay-day for the most part. We didn't meet up with his friend until the evening, but still, once we were there with Andrew, the kid took over the entire conversation...everything.

When I said I wanted to head home, Andrew was like - oh let's go get shakes...and you can leave from there. And I was like, um, no, I'll just have Mike walk me out and... "Let's get shakes at the UDF!" >_< *GRRRRRRR* It's like...dumbass, you get to spend all the time YOU want with your freakin' girlfriend and I get 12 hours, that's it...12 hours after waiting a month to see him again - and YOU want us to go get shakes with YOU and then force me off back home with only 20 seconds to say goodbye to Mike before Andrew drove off to get back to the appartment so his girlfriend could watch the OSU football game. >_<

And it's a wonder why I'm so pissed off. The next time we'll probably get to see each other is in November - November!! Yeah...so long distance relationships wouldn't be so bad, at least this one wouldn't be since we do have a place we can meet in the middle - it would be worse if we lived on opposite coasts...but it's just worse because we tend to make our meetings during conventions which are fun but I just know that the next one is going to be filled with hours of me sitting at my art table - not exactly an exciting time. *sigh*

Maybe things will get better. But I'm not expecting it just yet.

Current Music: TV

A combination of things
Basically I've been biding my time. Yeah, one of those 'let's wait and see' because I really have no idea what is going to happen with my life. Just when I think things are going well and that everything with my job and life in general is going good...things fall apart again - albeit perhaps briefly, and not completely, but things still fall apart. Like work where yet a new possible 'foe' has cropped up, I say this merely because while I was on a day off my boss decides to cure a crying customer by giving her not only a refund on her money...but the picture too... and never bothered to tell me a thing about it!! I had to find out about it from someone else - meanwhile of course the boss from hell...Brandy, knows about it and she's supposed to be back THIS week and I'm like...oh crap what am I going to do? I'm going to look like a horrid employee, but at the same time I wasn't told about any of it (except by my loyal worker thank goodness) so I'm thinking - should I just play dumb or take responsiblity and maybe even nail the framing Nazi too? Because technically it was her fault all of this happened.

Ah well... don't mind me, life has sort of been one little problem after another since I left on my trip to Baltimore. Cleaning up all of the little problems from orders that were taken while I was gone. I think we've gotten them all gone...I HOPE...

Did some house sitting right afterwards and have some more coming up. I swear it's a blessing I've been able to house sit for my friend Rebecca - just getting out of this house has been helpful in so many ways. Although it does make me realize all that much more how much I need to move out and get a place of my own. And yet at the same time, I can't bear to leave this house if something were to happen with my job because every time I start thinking I could leave... problems crop up...again! Then it would leave me in debt for some new place and no job...ah yes, and people wonder why those like me are still living at home!

To top it all off, Michigan has the 3rd highest unemployment rate in the country...so there you go - I REALLY feel secure in finding a new job with that figure...yeah right.

But I think it's like that everywhere too. Mike's given up finding a new job until Tsubasacon is over with. I told him tonight that he's got to stop whining and just do it - because that's what attracted me to him in the first place, he seemed all, I dunno 'manly' or something when he was talking about running his own convention - sounded awesome to me. XD Yeah, a bit of hero worship perhaps. ^_~ Now that I've listened to 6 months of whining how hard it is, it's kinda grown stale.

On the plus side, I'm drawing again. Albeit not much, but YAY! I'm staring at a new drawing I really have no idea where it came from but I really love it and I'm going to use it as my mascot for my studio logo. ^_^ I'm so excited, I'm going to work at getting a poster or something made of him so that I can have something for my artist table in November. Yay! Come to think of it...I'm going to have to start talking to print shops soon. Oooh, this is quite exciting!

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Blissful Quiet

Doubts
I spent all weekend at Otakon with my boyfriend and a few of my other friends. It was a ton of fun and I really enjoyed myself. On the outside the convention was really great, I got a bunch of cool stuff, had fun cosplaying for Saturday morning (too hot to do it the rest of the weekend really) and got to see a bunch of cool new shows and had just a lot of laughs and fun during my vacation to Baltimore.

Internally I went from being nervous about seeing my b/f to being happy to see him and wanting to spend a bunch of time with him...but then as the weekend wore on, I'm not sure what it was. Was it just too much of him? Was it disappointment? During the trip home I had time to think about it more. I'm afraid that he's going to get himself into more problems then he's already in.

What do I mean? When I dated Desmond back in college he was having money problems (I mean, who in college doesn't?) but he was having job problems and wanted to switch jobs - he did, but with fewer hours, and then his grades started going down and then he bought a PlayStation and games even though he *knew* that it wasn't helping him any with college and he wound up failing some of his classes that semester. In fact, besides the fact that I felt bad that I had a crush on someone else at the same time - I felt even more bad that I'd felt responsible somehow for his failure. Even now, years later he's still working through college, trying to make up for that turn for the worse.

Now my new b/f is graduated but in debt up to his eyeballs for silly things. Seems he's buying something to cheer himself up once a week when I thought - well, heck, wouldn't having a girlfriend cheer him up? Apparently not because I could tell something wasn't settling well with him when he bought a DVD player at the convention (sound familiar...PlayStation...cough). And rather than working at promoting his own convention coming up in October (hello, pass out flyers like all of the other conventions!! There's a chance of 25,000 people seeing them!!!) he just blew it off until Sunday. As far as I know he never talked to any of the 100+ dealers or artist alley people to see if they'd like to come either. Being the g/f I'd like to say I support him - well, yes, I do. I'm constantly giving ideas - but he never seems to follow any of them. I bug him about his debt but I don't hold it against him, even though I'd never want to move in with anyone with debt only to have it wind up on my shoulders at one point. He wants to switch jobs but even when he actively searches I don't think he really means it.

So...doubt. Plenty of it too. And I'm thinking I should just come out and say that it's probably not such a good thing to be dating if it's keeping him from doing what's important. I tend to see it this way, if a guy really wants to impress a girl (namely me in this case) then he should be able to not only continue on with his commitments, but add on the new ones from her - and perhaps go one step farther and say, hey, I want to impress her, would this work? Let's show her what I'm really capable of. So far...I was a lot more impressed back before. It makes me sad because I don't want to disappoint him, but I don't want to harm him either.

Life is unfair at times. I'm waiting to see if he pulls the trick he did on his last girlfriend - by waiting to see if she calls. He left a couple messages while I drove home and I left a message on his, and normally I hear from him every day, at least through chat if not a phone call. I know what's coming - blah. It's up to me, I hate it when the ball is in my court because if I call him then he'll get his hopes up and then I'd wind up having to talk about the hard stuff..which I probably should be able to do anyway and can't for some reason. ARG. Anyone else no problem.

Ah well... I just found out I get to house sit this weekend, so yet another weekend away from home. Maybe it'll be good for me and I'll have more time to think. Yeah yeah, that's a great idea. Now, bed time.

The Weeks Ahead
So things are going to be pretty crazy these next few weeks. My days are already filling up as I type this it seems! I just got back from Ikasucon in Cincinatti, which was fun...and yet at the same time I would have had just as much fun hanging out with my friends maybe watching a new anime - of course hanging out with Mike was the best part of it (since that was 90% of what I did, the other ten being with Meesh) - but it's all good. I spent the rest of this week (and suddenly it's the NEXT week already!) working. Lots and lots of work.

My next day off - today (later on) will be spent with my family and friends - party!! Whoot! Rebecca (my friend I house sit for) is having a barbeque - much happiness because she invited many of the people who work at my old store there, so I'm looking forward to being able to actually see them again in a casual setting.

Then more work... And then a framing meeting - whoopee - this time it should probably really happen. It'll be nice being around my old boss during that so the day should go pretty quick. And thank goodness Brandy isn't going to be there!

The rest of the week will be getting, once again, prepared for my next trip to Otakon the week after. Basically using the one day off I have in between to prepare for the much longer vacation. The much more EXPENSIVE vacation to Baltimore.

When I get back from that trip, I'll have exactly a week to re-train the new gal (probably have to work on that before I leave too come to think of it) and cross-train a gal from up front - plus search out fresh blood before our huge sale at the end of August. It's hard as heck to get people interested in framing! I suppose I'll be a 'good girl' and train them up right but I'm telling you, it's hard not to go the full nine-yards saying - this is everything you should know...because I personally do not want people messing up on me while I'm gone on vacation!! Oi vey what a nightmare that would be. I mean, I was gone only five days - sort of, and a person quit!! And I've had to hire a completely new person in his place. What will happen in a week I wonder?

Ah well, I'm just hoping things will go well for our 'massive' Founder's day sale - should be okay. Last year we were completely swamped and yet, the only times we were behind was because our frame company backordered a bunch of stuff on us - not our fault. So even then we only had...what, two or three besides the two main framers? Yeah, and they tended to stay up at the counter most of the time. See, they want our 'cross trained' people to work in the back...I'm sorry - in an 8 hour day I can take at least 4 orders and put together from scratch 15 pictures... but you want me to let someone who could put maybe one picture together in an hour in the back while I'm taking some 40 orders in a day out in the counter... um...yeah, that's like really back tracking if you ask me. Ah well, we'll see how it goes.

Alright, I'm done rambling. I do love my job. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it but I do. I wouldn't still be there with a guy out somewhere else wishing I'd move (I'm imagining although he's never asked really) and yet I'm not planning on doing that!

Current Mood: awake

Crazy Summer Week - BEGIN!
Thus begins the crazy summer week.

Why do I say this is a crazy week? Well, actually, it doesn't officially all begin until Wednesday night or so. But I thought Monday is a good enough as any place to say this is where it will all begin because I know with working tomorrow night, Wed. morning and needing to pack somewhere in there, I won't have much time to write anything about it before hand, unless I do so now.

So Wednesday, after having to get everything prepared for my underlings to finish (hopefully, some of the orders are due before I get back from my trip), and hopefully getting out a bit early so I'll have time to pack before the concert. Oh the concert - Play! Symphony. That's a long story - well, not exactly. My ex-boyfriend asked if I wanted to go, it's video game music...so duh, yeah I wanted to go! Even if it was my ex-boyfriend who for 6 months after I broke up with him acted like he wanted to go out with me again and after 3 years of not talking to him (maybe closer to 4 actually) finally caught me online one day and I was nice enough to talk to him again - and now he still makes little comments of "If only the people I know will only be my friends would ever be more" - and of course I'm ignoring the comment because I think we can be friends and I can go to this concert. Ah well, who am I kidding? I'm just trying to prove to myself that I can rebuild the bridges that I burned!

Speaking of which, I've been talking to Ryan again. Just an email here and there. Don't know where he's working. I do know he seems to be happy, he's got a girlfriend, and he's still, as always, a gamer. *chuckles* I saw some of the 40K army I'd painted out at HobbyTown in a display case and was like - ooh my gosh. Ryan bought them from me so it was really neat to see them there. I didn't go to a game night he invited me to last Saturday - I still think I've got a crush on him, not like a 'real' crush, more like the same weird crush I've got on say, Zach. Where I get nervous talking to him, emailing him even, hanging out with him... and yet I don't think I could stand to go out with either of them... go fig. I don't get nervous around Mike at all.

Anyway, after the whole concert thing I'm to get up around 6am to get down to Meesh's place around noonish and go to PKI. Party at the amusement park while she works. Okay...that sucks - but really, as long as I get to go on one or two roller coasters, and eat me a funnel cake - I'll be happy. ^_~

And THEN... then will be meeting up at Ikasucon with Mike, Flip, Meesh and whomever else might be attending this wee little convention. (I'm told, I've never been.) For three days and two nights! Then of course the decision whether to start out on Sunday back home or wait until Monday. I'm thinking Sunday.... just so I can have a full day to recoup.

I'm pretty excited. Until I look at my poor checking account and realize...in a little over two weeks we'll be going to Otakon. O_o Oooh crapola where am I going to get the cash for all of this?! Oi vey. I hope my bosses don't think I'm slacking...but after Otakon I'm pretty much stuck because where I work picks up from the end of August through Christmas and doesn't slow down! So.... I have to take a vacation...yeah yeah right. I just didn't take both weeks at once...yeah. *yeah right*

Well, off I go into my crazy week!

Current Mood: energetic
Current Music: TV

Birthday Blues
Well, officially, it's my birthday. Whoo hoo yay.

I don't feel in a party mood. Maybe I'm just too tired having been up at 6am. Maybe it's the fact that since this last weekend everything's been a wee bit tense between my friends. Well, it's hard. Suddenly my birthday comes up and all of my local friends decide they want to hang out with me. Which is like...gasp shock. Chris, my high school best friend has been away on my b-days for over 6 years as she was in the Navy. My friend Tony, college friend, decides he wants to hang out with me as well which is all fine and dandy...only neither of them know each other. Plus there's Chris' husband Jeff who doesn't like my brother Andy who dated Chris for a very short time in HS... and the simple fact that he'll be at dinner too... Does that spell disaster or what?

Then there's my out of state friends I got to hang out with last week - the problems with them are all resolved, but in the meantime I'd disappointed some people... Well, it's hard, one moment I'm talking to everyone online, no problem right? Then one calls rather and it's like... how can I keep up all of my conversations and not be rude to the person on the phone? Well, I can't... too hard to type or talk... I've found I really can't do both very well. So I chose the phone call... which in turn disappointed the chatters... so the next night to be fair I turned off the phone and when my friend tried to call again... now he's pouting and I've un-disappointed my online friends...but ARG.

Sooo confusing because in the midst of all of this birthday planning (I should have just held a darn party and invited everyone!!) here I am all feeling mopey because someone's not talking to me for whatever reason and I'm not sure whether I should actually be depressed about it or not because the darn kid won't tell me if he actually wants to be my boyfriend or not because it's not like we can have much of a relationship anyway... I don't mind being single but I don't like wondering either. Darn it. Stupid. This morning I was talking to a few people at work about dating and guys and all of the women (they're all either married or divorced, many of them both) said that it's good to be single, take my time, I have plenty of it...yeah yeah yeah... Maybe so, but it's the wondering whether I'll even GET married... because if I'm not... I want to know. Then I'd be happy. But if I'm supposed to be someday... that's the killer part. *GRRRR*

Thought I'd feel better writing this out...but apparently not... maybe I'll read until 4am in the morning... that usually helps. XD

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: dead silence

The Silent Treatment
No... I'm not talking about being angry at anyone, although a friend of mine in High School used to do that to me... (Can you believe it's been 9 YEARS since I graduated... I feel sooooo old!!) But what I'm referring to at the moment is just being silent... depressed... even though the weather is so nice, summer's finally here and life should be pretty good... But I'm still feeling down.

My heart's heavy. Does that make any sense? A heavy heart, confusion and whatnot... I don't know what to make of any of it except that maybe it started yesterday when we happened to pass by an old friend's house. Ryan's my only regret in life. All of the other guys and girls that I used to know that I don't anymore, are sort of under the bridge of him - he overshadows almost all of it. So many years of my life were based upon my assumption that eventually he'd come around and realize me not only as his friend but as someone closer... but I was stupid. I never said anything outloud and when I finally did I burned that bridge right on down to the ground. I guess I've been looking for a replacement for that friendship ever since, but have yet to be sucessful, because can you truly replace a friendship that gave you the best memories?

It's probably been two summers now since I've seen him... I'm thinking it's been just about as long since I've heard anything about him and yet there you go, I thought about him when we passed his house and it made me sad.

I shouldn't be. That's the thing. My ex-boyfriend, whom I did a similar thing to, is talking to me again, even though we were never that good of friends to begin with, nor did I like all that much, but we're still friends. We still talk. And I have new guys in my life (mind you my life does NOT revolve around guys... I'm not a shallow girl looking for fresh meat, I merely want to find someone to marry someday) but they're all friends... friends... so many of them that I've come to realize what Ryan wanted out of me, what I could have been for him... and now I've met another guy who has sort of replaced Ryan, at least in the way of dreams, in the way of how I feel, that unreachableness of a guy who's just great, happy, popular, loves to hang out and do things... but unreachable for me. I can't be more than a passing acquaintence which bothers me, makes me more depressed, because he stirs up all of these memories.

And then there's the one guy that I KNOW I could reach... but I can't let myself fall for him. Why? My rational mind says because if I do nothing will come of it and it'll hurt. My heart says because he's not like the guys I've known in the past who I loved and how can he compare? So I close myself off, I go silent, and I avoid getting online so I don't have to talk to him. Maybe it's also because I don't want to be bugged by my friends wanting to know what's wrong with me, why am I so depressed... Alright, inwardly I love being harassed by them. Knowing they care is wonderful - but at the same time, it feels as if I'm ASKING for attention...and I don't want that either. I don't want them to lavish attention on me for being depressed when I can handle it... or maybe I can't handle it... I'm not sure.

All I know is that last weekend I dreamt of the three guys in my life - Ryan, whom I'll probably never get back, even as a friend. The one whom I'll probably never BE a friend to. And the one who is my friend but I'm afraid I can't let him be as close of a friend as he'd like to be. And yet, why dream of all three? What is the importance? Why, when I hadn't thought of Ryan in years? Why when I was only thinking of my other friends did I dream of these two... why the dreams I had? Why those moments, those smiles of friendship or smiles of flirting...?

So I've been quiet online but for this long-winded journal which I know only one person will read since she's the only one who knows what guys I'm talking about right now. *chuckles* Part of me really wishes that I could cry, maybe I'd feel better. Doesn't help that I may see one of them next week and then get confused all over with... now I'm regretting asking him along... Why?! Why? Life is cruel...

Now I'm going to go sulk for awhile... Work's going to be a bummer tonight I think.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Nickelback - Photograph

Conventions & Dramacon
Oh about a year ago the first issue of Dramacon came out, it's the only american-released manga that I own. Why? Because I tend not to like the art in "American" manga. They normally look... I don't know, phoney and boring. But Dramacon really hooked me, mainly because it REALLY hit home with things that happen at real anime conventions...and of course a few that don't - but could... and that's the magic of it. I guess I should look and see if there's going to be another one out this year, at least I HOPE there might be since I've been wondering what will happen to Christie and Matt forever.

Of course, in the meantime, I tend to go to conventions thinking "Oh if only I could find myself a guy like Matt..." However I'm not a newbie convention goer - and the first time I did (Ohayocon back in 2004) I didn't meet any guys and I kinda fell into the convention thing a lot easier than Christie did in the book. The first convention I DID meet a guy was ACEN (same year), but I ended up getting reeled in hook, line and sinker because I didn't realize he just went around womanizing every single girl he could get to pay him attention! Watch out for Vashs at that convention! *chuckles* He was at it again last year too. Of course that time I knew better and just had fun watching him make a dork out of himself. ^_~

Since then I've been to quite a few conventions. Alright, not too many - lessee, first was Ohayocon 2004, ACen 2004, ACen 2005, Youmacon 2005, Ohayoconn 2006, Anime Punch 2006 - next will be ACen 2006. 7th convention and I'm already booked for Otakon 2006 and possibly Ikasucon 2006, and Youmacon 2006. Boy... I certainly go to a lot of conventions!!

And of course I usually never meet anyone, although ACen last year I did start flirting with a guy who asked me to hang out with him... but I chickened out because I really didn't feel comfortable with him. Had a few others who were just fans following me around (bwahaha) so I'm really wondering how this year will be. ^_^

BUT.... Okay, so the truth is I did sorta meet someone at Ohayocon and we hung out for quite awhile. There's always a problem with meeting someone at conventions (just like Christie and Matt found out) - the distance! Not that I'd normally be adverse to distance because of anyone I'm probably the best person there is to be completely manogamous - but it does tend to be depressing. Because okay, so you can talk to them, maybe see them if you have a webcamera - but there's no hanging out, there's no dropping by, there's no cuddling on a couch eating popcorn and watching anime!

The guy, I met up with again at Anime Punch and we even spent more time together. But nothing's happened besides chatting once in awhile at night and the occasional phone call. And of course have I brought up the going out thing to him? No. Has he? No. We've gone so far to admit we like each other and our friends keep prodding... heck, I've got gals at work who've never met him saying - talk to him! Get him to come up and visit! Call him! And I'm like... but I've tried! I've asked him to come up but he gives excuses. I'd go down there to visit him but for all of my vacation time being used up on conventions - at least WHEN I get vacation time come this June. I love driving so it's not really a matter of that truth be told, but would he be able to spend any time with me if I were to go down? I haven't asked.

I know more about my friend Flip than I do about the guy anyway. Okay, we haven't had a 20 question night yet. I seem to have one of those with every other guy I talk to... but it's been difficult so far. He's not on very often and when he is he's usually doing something else and it's one of those short stinted conversations. Not that I'm complaining... oh what the heck, of course I'm complaining!

Then again... I can wait. I've waited this damn long, so why not a bit more? And maybe when I do see him again we can get some things settled. ^_^

Current Music: Imogen Heap

Working Blues
Seems like all I do is complain about work but then again, that's all I really have to complain about in life.. besides being single and all that entails - but perhaps I should rejoice in that a wee bit? I'm certainly too strung up on my personal life to worry about someone else. Although I tend to worry about my friends - a whole lot - enough I get myself into a tizzy in the meantime as if what was happening to them has been happening to me... Oh but it's work that's really gotten me down.

My stupid boss and my stupid underling and their need to completely work around me as if I'm not even there. I wouldn't even care if they just merely mentioned what was being said in their conversations... I mean - how hard is it to say - okay, we're going to do this okay? I've already asked permission. When I was an underling that's what I always did. Hell, my boss used to tell me what she had other people doing just so we'd all be on the same page. But no - somehow I get left out of the loop.

The worst of it is that everyone in the store thinks I'm in the right wanting to be in the loop - well of course!! But my underling and my boss are like - what's the big deal? What's the big deal!? You're friends, that's what and that's just NOT RIGHT!! You wanna be the boss of Jen then come work for this little store instead of being MY boss... and I'll become your boss and sure as hell I wouldn't treat you like crap! ARG.

*Le sigh*

My only sanity is being able to come home and talking to MY FRIENDS and being the queen of my own little Trigun world and enjoying my reign thoroughly. Although I can't help but take my work home a bit back with me, although it's trickled into my writing which has been very dark as of late. Which I suppose under the circumstances since I've been RPing Legato Bluesummers lately... scary, yes, I know... as a HSchooler no less.. .bwahaha - I've been pouring out most of my frustrations into him and I become a much happier person by the time the night goes by.

Heh heh... yes yes... and hopefully even happier come Anime Punch when I get to hang out with Meesh and Greg and Flip and his buddy Mike - Oooh I sure hope I can meet myself a Vash cosplayer this time around... dunno why, I just feel I'm worth it!

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Twisted Transistor

The Stress that IS Work
Alright, so it was a really surprising thing to find out I was going to be running my own frame shop in a bigger store - nice because if something happens I've still got someone over me to help me out. However, sometimes those people over me can be quite stress-inducing. My bosses are really great gals but when they're standing there doing their thing right next to me while I was trying to do MY thing... Well, I wasn't sure half the time if they were ignoring me or whether I was doing the right thing or what.

Especially after I made a comment about the fact I hadn't told one of my employees to do the paperwork a specific way yet and my boss goes, "But you DON'T do it that way... you do it the way she was..." I wanted to crawl into a little hole. But at the same time it was like... but but but... that way's STUPID! It doesn't make any sense at all and what does it matter if I do it my way?? Sheesh. It's basically either seperating the paperwork rather than keeping it together where I can just grab it and waste less time searching for where the other half went later on - and it really is searching because everything gets screwed up in that shop without organization. Sheesh. Doesn't matter, I'm not changing the way I do it!! Nope! I'll just live with the way my gal does it...

Here's the BIG problem... The gal under me is best friends with my boss. Ooh yes. So it's like anything I say or do I feel could get reported to her any time!! It's like, how did I get a plant?? That's not right! When I didn't choose her as my lead framer my boss said, "well, you can always change your mind later" - but the first few weeks when I got to make my initial decision the gal was either late, or unable to come in because of classes and she can only be there at night and hasn't learned enough from me for me to feel comfortable having her - so I picked another gal who can work longer hours and is really dependable.

But now I feel like maybe the gal wasn't happy with my decision because she gives me all of this attitude... ARG. I mean, it's not really attitude, it could be just her normal self, but she comes across to me... I'm not sure, I don't like her near as much as I like my lead framer. Ah well, luckily or unluckily I don't work with her that much.

Only reason I bring up all of this is that not only do I have one day of this "fun" with the bosses but I have to go through it again tomorrow. *SIGH* And it's the grand opening. I feel like they're eyes were on me the entire time... ARG. Even when I was designing a picture for someone - before my boss came out the gal said, "I just want a frame, no mats" but then my boss stepped out and the lady said, "Can I see it with mats?" And my boss gave me this eyeball like 'Haven't I told you to always start with three mats??' And I'm thinking - but but but she SAID first thing no mats, you didn't hear!! But she did, really!! Luckily she didn't say anything to me... but I can just imagine tickity tickity tickity a note goes into a laptop somewhere... *SIGH*

Just one more day and then I'll have a day off, hang out with my friend 'Becca, have some sushi at the Japanese restaurant and go see some sappy chick flick at the movies. Yes yes... relaxation... That's what I need, definitely. And sleep - at least a little... I'd like more than a few hours tossing and turning like I had last night. Alright wish me luck... As long as they don't say too much I'll be fine... I think... *gulp*

Current Mood: anxious

Feeling Mighty Old
I found out a second friend just had a baby. I feel old and yet so incredibly naive and well left out. He's two years younger than me and he's got a brand new baby boy. I'm twenty-six and I don't even have a boyfriend. I guess I can't complain. I wasn't forced into the army because I couldn't get into college - nor did I chase a man into the marines because he wouldn't marry me and then have him cheat on me like what happened to my friend Chris. But then again she found a great guy who's like 6 years younger, has a lovely little daughter and Jeff is like the best father she could ever find. Heck, what really gets to me is that originally she was going to try setting him up with me, and then kept him herself! *chuckles* No, he's great and they're great together and they have a really great family...

But it makes me feel old. Makes me feel like a damn spinstress though. Like I'll never make it. I was talking to my friend Chad whom I've been working with for a few years - he's getting married this summer. I tend to moan about my single-ness around him (hell, everyone I work with has someone, when they ask me if I'm single I say yes and they say I'm sooo lucky and I'm like but but but!) and he goes, ever try E-Harmony? And I'm like nooo - cuz I'd have to pay $50 I could spend on getting into some anime convention or buy a few DVDs and just be happy by myself... But at the same time that doesn't get me a boyfriend. But it's not meeting people I have problems with. I meet plenty of people!! I have a dozens of guy friends all ages from younger than me to older and yet that's all they are - friends. What can I do?

I find a guy, I tend not to flirt right away because, well, I'm inept at it. If I flirt with every guy that pays me attention I wind up kissing some Brit that says "are you a naughty girl?" *ACK - it's true!* So I've tended NOT to flirt with just any guy - I wait until I know if we can actually talk about more than the weather!! Once I feel comfortable enough to know that he'll accept the fact that I'm a Trigun and anime addict - THEN I'll flirt... but I was told by one guy that guys gotta start flirting right away or they go into friend mode... ACCCKKKK!!! What the hell is with that??!

So... I feel old and forever single... T___T And even though I liked talking to my old friends recently, and I'm really happy for them... I'm still sinking into depressed mode. *le sigh*

Current Mood: depressed

The Joys... Of XP
So I made the mistake of trying to use a Restoration disc on my laptop. Here I thought I'd gotten all of my files backed up, no problem, I wasn't going to lose any precious information. All of my files that I would lose were ones I hadn't seen in two years anyway, so it's not like I'd miss them... So I have it all set and start that disc doing it's thing and it asks me if I want to make a backup. Why? I'd already backed up everything... At least I thought. It ran through it's thing real quick like and then asked to reset. Sure says I - reset the computer and the ominious words "Operating System Not Found" appeared.

WHAAAAAAAAAT???!!!

*Jaw hits floor*

But this little story isn't so much about the horrifyingness that was the restoration disc but the fact that the next day I went out and bought WindowsXP from the college for a muchly discounted price (thank you sooo much UofM!!) and started to install the bugger. Took three hours. I went out to dinner and back... Read a book... Doodled for awhile... You know, the usual. *grins* When it was all said and done I had pretty much a brand new computer except that the "u" button sticks sometimes. Oh and even though they say that WindowsXP (maaan every time I type the "XP" part it's sticking it's tongue out at me I swear!) loads faster than all the other windows, it loads a lot SLOWER because it's in a computer that's about 5 or so years old.

But other than that it's not so bad. There's a lot of nifty things that can be set up on it... But of course when I went to play a DVD... Realized I didn't have a decoder. Oooh... Well that's a set-back. Didn't realize I'd be missing the things that had been automatically installed on my computer the last time would be gone too - like Word for example... Or a DVD player... Hrm... I can only wonder what other things will crop up over time that I'll need? At least Pinball is still on here... same old pinball - gotta love it. *GRINS*

So I've downloaded a DVD player that does just about everything... heck I'm curious if it can play DVDs from other regions... *scratches chin* Maybe. It could play all of those really random downloaded anime and things my brother and I had that never played on anything else... Hrm... Wonder if it would play those episodes of Bleach I couldn't get to work before? Ooh... guess I'll go try it out. *GRINS* So basically I'm in a good mood when all is said and done. Except for the fact that my book still hasn't come!! (Book being Meteor Methuselah #7)... maybe tomorrow? I will have the day off...

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Dance Dance!!

Advice
So I was sitting here reading about one of my acquaintences the other day on LJ and he was asking for help or at least an inspiring word. But after I'd read everything, I didn't feel like I could give a good word because in truth I'd have much rather gave him advice. It's advice he wouldn't want to hear so I'm kinda putting it here because he's never added me to his friends list so I very much doubt he'll ever read it (and Meesh don't you dare say anything!) but I wanted to get it off my chest anyway.

He quit school and got kicked out of his dorm. Well, my brother did the same thing and he just sits on his butt and spends time on the internet. Mind you he DID go back because my mom and I bugged him about it - but most people who drop out of college tend never to go back.

So I tend to think it's his own fault, and even though I feel bad about the situation he's in, he could have at least finished the semester and dropped out in the summer. But he has people in his life that inspired him to do this I think - others who did the same thing but were sucessful anyway. So perhaps he'll be able to follow in their footsteps and do well too. But well, I'm older, I feel like I should be in big sister mode and grumble and say - you dope, I don't have pity for you!

Of course then at the same time I wished I'd quit college too because I didn't learn much either... but I stuck it out and graduated and haven't done anything with my degree since, besides write the occasional fanfic. Go fig. I'm into art now and I wish I'd gone for a degree in that instead of English.

But there you go, that's my advice that won't be read, and I've got it off my chest.

Nudging
I've never tried to nudge a friend into asking a guy out. All my old friends in High School were always the upfront ones, not I - I couldn't ask guys out. So why didn't my friends nudge me? I'm not sure - guess it's because I fall under the leadership category for some odd reason and yet I don't have the backbone... Well, I didn't. I seem to be growing one lately. And of course that happens when I don't have a guy to show it off too!! XD

Story goes - girl meets Legato - girl stalks Legato around convention... Milly helps girl stalk Legato around until Legato hangs with girl. Now Milly and girl gang up on Legato online in order to get him to go out with girl. *GRINS* And now that he's not Legato she still likes him and still wants to go out with him but she's being worried about it so I've become the go-between in the mean time hoping that they'll finally talk... We're sorta in the middle of a little session while I write this.

Meanwhile Milly T searches for her Wolfwood... Vash... Knives... Well, heck, whoever he is, I wish he would have gotten here by Valentine's day... then again, I've never had a Valentine - even my guy friends who say "oh I should get you something"... Hmmm... Maybe I should give up and do the Japanese thing and give out chocolate to the guys... Why oh why couldn't the USA celebrate White Day??? I think we need to establish a new holiday.

Ah well... and the saga continues... to go no where. *chuckles* Ooh crap, I have to work again tomorrow and it's stressful big-boss-visit day... *sigh*

Current Music: Dance Dance - Fall Out Boy

The Snow
I hate the snow. I mean, it's so beautiful - it's winter time and when all of the trees are white it's really something. But with snow comes cold - colds, that is - yucky icky poo. I have very little free time as it is, but to have a cold on top of it, which seems to be every weekend lately, just zaps the energy right out of me. I haven't written in weeks because I'm so tired. I manage to draw on occasions but nothing spectacular. And it's all because of this snow.

This morning we managed to con some neighbor kids into shoveling the drive... wait, I guess it isn't conning a kid if you pay them right? What happened to a quarter a drive? What's with $12 jobs? I mean... come on... I would have shoveled it sick for that much... heh.

So since this is the first journal entry in here I guess I should introduce myself a wee bit. I'm 26 and still living at home.... Gotta problem with that? It's cuz all my friends moved out on me years ago and got married and had kids and well, I had a crush on some guy who married some other chick and since he was the one I thought I was going to marry (even his mother said at the wedding no less that she had wished I was going to be up there) - I ended up getting into anime. No kidding - anime to replace romance. I have a strange feeling that a whole lot of other otaku are like that too nowadays.

I'm not ashamed of it. I've met so many people through my anime obsession and somehow I've become fairly popular online... Now THAT is a trip, when you hop into a chat room and all five people know you and say "hi Ricki!" and I'm like... O_o How'd that happen? I just set up some little website to talk about my Trigun Maximum obsession and suddenly people know me!!

I haven't acquired any stalkers yet. Hrmm... *GRINS* Any takers? No, I'm kidding really, my ex boyfriend still talks to me after 4 years of being split up although I pretty much refuse to do more than chat with him. The guy I had a crush on got a divorce and I secretly chuckle about the fact that he's going bald... And then I've got a crazy guy I met through our anime club who acts like a younger brother at times, and then other times he's flirting with me at conventions... I have yet to decide whether he does this seriously or just to annoy me.

And those are just a few of the people I've met over the last few years. Then there's Meesh who's my little sis - well, not really, but I've adopted her since she's so adorable. Made it my life's goal to set her up with her Legato cosplayer we met at Ohayocon. *GRINS* Meanwhile I realized that guys I meet on the internet are really sweet and most of them are actually just who they say they are (versus those really scary types they talk about on Dateline... *shivers*) - but they all live so far away from me. So even if I did meet one I was crazy about (which I haven't met such a creature yet sadly) he'd probably say no to dating since we'd live too far away. *sigh* What's with that?? Not that I'm actively looking for anyone. I don't really have the time.

Then there's the strange Trigun galz who catch me on occasions since I do a little RPG with 'em. I tend to just meet people in order to say I know them and then go on my way. Unless the person seems interested in talking to me - because I'll talk to anyone for awhile when they pop up on me. I've never had to block anyone. I do tend to bore people though. *chuckles* I have two topics I tend to talk about - cosplay and anime/manga... Okay, that's a lie, I talk about whatever, I'm flexible.

At the moment I'm trying to come up with a new cosplay. I luv Milly T - of course - she's me to a "T". But at the same time I'm still trying to figure out new characters that I'm like in order to dress up at conventions.... Can't come up with anything yet.

I need something soon for Anime Central.. yah... something. *chuckles*

Current Mood: gloomy

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